Dear everyone... I'm not all you want...

Who am I? Who am I? Honestly, that is a question I can't answer for you guys... I don't even know myself... every single time I feel like I know myself pretty well I just get all turned around and start back at square one. I've been trying to figure out who I am ever since my 9th birthday... ( Btw, that's when everything went to shit in my life ) Life hasn't been nice to me, my thoughts, feelings, and soul. I basically have no more feeling left inside of me, aside from when I carve words into my skin, then I focus on the pain cause that's the only thing that's really gonna make sense in the end anyways.  My thoughts have only gotten darker and more sexualized since I was 10yrs old... I don't think that I could ever go back to being my younger more happy, safe, innocent, careless little self again... I am too far gone. Too far gone to be happy or careless again... too far gone to be safe or innocent again... too far gone to be me again... Sadly...

WE ARE COMING... Maybe all the things we take for granted are not meant to be taken advantage of in any way… Maybe love is something that's given and then taken away if you miss-use it… Maybe it's not for all of us... who knows… Maybe life isn’t for humans… Maybe we have taken over whats others… Maybe we mean nothing… I just want to know why everything hurts… Why am I this way? Why does this world not help but destroy people like me? Why does everyone hate my friends and I? What is the matter… were only human… there is no difference between me and you … I am still a living, breathing, hated, human being… unlike you I am hated not liked, or loved. I am the one you all hate… even the people who say; “Oh let me help you stay on the right track”, or “Oh let me help you at school or life”. What they’re really saying is “Fuck you and all of your hopes and dreams… I’m going to make your life fucking hell whether you like it or not”. “Your life is mine to control and I’m gonna make...

Going away from loved ones  or  them leaving you... Going away or having a loved one leave me is probably one of my greatest weaknesses as a human being... That pain of having to leave someone so precious to you is worse than a thousand deaths in my opinion... I have had to many people leave me in my life and I'm only barely 15! I've had all of my grandparents on my dads side die along with the fair share of aunts and uncles form both sides. I have suffered enough loss for 6 people together... I don't know how you guys feel about this but my people are the most important things in my life... they top any worldly possession I have. I don't know... I think I'm pretty annoying so I'm gonna leave this off at that... any ways thanks and see you later!  

嘘つきにはまって ↑ ( Addicted to liars ) ↑ I am addicted to loving liars, and I don't know why... And this obsession hurts me so much but I still continue to not find help or to even try to get my fucking life together... and I think all I'll ever be is a let down... Lund - Alone Addicted to love and you're my supplier But you and I we burn like a fire And your words they cut like barbed wire But that's how it feels when you love a liar So pour the salt in my wounds babe I just wanna feel something Remove the blood from my veins So this heart will stop pumping On the edge and I’m jumping Give me something that's numbing Cause if I don’t have your love Then this life means nothing

This is a message for everybody... Breaking news; the world is fucking shit and all people do is make it worse for you.  This is the message that flashed across my brain when I woke up this morning. "The world is shit and no one can help you." Your wife/husband? NOPE! Your bestfriends? NOPE! Your faith? DEFINITELY NOT! Alright, you get it? NO!? Ok then let me explain your troubles in too deeper perspective. You know what betrayal is right? It doesn't matter, I'll define it anyways. be·tray Dictionary result for betray /bəˈtrā/ verb verb:  betray ; 3rd person present:  betrays ; past tense:  betrayed ; past participle:  betrayed ; gerund or present participle:  betraying 1. expose (one's country, a group, or a person) to danger by treacherously giving information to an enemy. "a double agent who  betrayed  some 400 British and French agents  to  the Germans" synonyms: break one's promis...

Dear Meria,              my life has probably been ended by my hands, if not then just follow the directions that I gave you... and I know this probably hurts like fuck but just read this and maybe you will understand... Tue, Dec. 11 2018, Riot time, Art room. Do you remember this day... the day we didn't speak for the last few minuets of riot over a piece of paper. When I said "I share everything with you, your so mean, no more songs, no more..." then i deleted my songs from my school account and pasted them on my KONEKOXXXTOXXXINU account... the time I cut myself because I hated what I had done and what I had said... I hated my self... not you... yes I was fucking irritated at you but that doesn't mean you hurt me or that I loved you any less... if anything i loved you more... because you weren't as fucking weak as I am. The one time that my hatred showed its self... my demons are coming lose... and I fucking hate myself... I hate myself because I ...